The funny thing about depression is you don’t even realize it’s happening to you until it’s too late. It’s like boiling a frog; you can’t throw him into a pan of boiling water because he will jump out. You have to put him a tub of cold water then slowly turn up the heat so he doesn’t realize what’s happening to him. Here’s how it started for me…
I was a Pure Romance consultant, a REALLY GOOD consultant. I quit teaching to be a stay at home mom and did a couple of parties a month to make extra money. (If you’re not familiar with Pure Romance, we do in-home parties for women an and we sold products to help improve intimacy.) I started out just doing enough parties to make my house payment, however, it wasn’t long and I was making DOUBLE what I did as a teacher. It was amazing. the women loved me. They stroked my ego. I left feeling good about myself plus making lots of money. How can you not be happy doing that?
The corporate office for Pure Romance always has a conference once or twice a year. Although some women brought their husbands, most girls came alone. We would have class during the day and then party at night. In 2015 they had it in Las Vegas; my husband and I have never been to Las Vegas so we decided to let him come along too. I was excited; I was somewhat of a big deal in the Pure Romance world. I wanted my husband to see that. I wanted my husband to see girls stopping me in the hall to take a picture of me. I wanted my husband to come to the after parties with me to dance and party. I wanted my husband to become excited and inspired while listening to the keynote speakers. I couldn’t wait.
Things were weird at home the months leading up to the Pure Romance conference. We stopped sleeping the in the same bed. My kids were young, 1 and 4. They liked to sleep with me. Not because they needed to or had to, but because they wanted to. Although I loved sleeping with my husband, there is something uniquely special about a sweet smelling, sweaty toddler burying into you at night to go to sleep. I was addicted. I felt wanted and needed.
I also began to dread my husband coming home from work. Everything was so peaceful while he was gone. If my kids were to through a tantrum, I could easily assess the situation and deal accordingly without yelling and screaming involved. My husband was a manager of a retail store; it was stressful for him because his job depended on whether or not his store hit their monthly quota. He would spend all day at work, doing what he could to hit the numbers, only to be told he wasn’t good enough, then come home to 2 toddlers who were tired and hungry. He was already at the end of his rope, and sometimes the extra crying was enough to push him over the edge for the day.
So, I was really excited about Las Vegas. I thought this would be a time we could refind each other. Reconnect. Debrief. I was excited.